On Fatherhood

 On our way home from Canada over a decade ago, we flew via Europe for a site visit to a refinery (as you do).  We decided to take advantage of being in London and took a week’s holiday to catch up with people we knew – a friend of mine in London, my sister and her husband in Bristol and an old university friend of ours who lived in Limerick. 

Our friend in Limerick was a new father – his son was four months old.  I remember sitting around one evening chatting, and he was talking about something he’d noticed about parenting.

“Men,” he said, “can be a dad or a good dad.  Women get to be a mum or a bad mum.”

The further into parenting that I get, the more I realise the truth in that statement.  When I am volunteering in my son’s classroom, I’m just being a mum.  A dad who volunteers will be congratulated on being a “good dad” for being there.  He doesn’t even need to do anything to be the good dad – he just has to show up.  My husband is often told what a good dad he is by random strangers when he’s at the park with a kid or two.  I can be doing errands with all three of my children (and occasionally an extra or two, just for fun), and I’m rarely told I’m a good mum. I’m far more likely to hear muttered comments about an even mildly misbehaving child than I am to get a compliment about my children or my parenting.

From what I’ve seen in my eleven years as a parent, people in general still have much higher expectations for mothers than they do for fathers.  Mothers are expected to have their (neat and tidy, well-behaved) children to school and activities and appointments on time, all the while keeping the house clean and organised, the shopping done (with children in tow, if necessary) and a home-cooked dinner on the table at the appropriate time.  If she’s got a (paying) job of any description, that’s expected to fit in there too, along with the unspoken notion that she should be the one staying home with a sick child if needs be.  For a father, the threshold is far lower – the children need to be fed and cared for (take-away fine, home-cooked meals optional), and if they miss a few appointments or come to school late (in the wrong uniform from an untidy house), well, “he’s trying so hard to get it all done.” People are also far more likely to congratulate a father for anything parenting-related than they are a mother. 

The other thing that drives me mad in the mother/father comparison, is when someone refers to a man as “babysitting” his children.  He’s not babysitting – he’s caring for his children. Maybe this is linked to the reasons why people are more likely to compliment a father who is with his children – they’re considering it as babysitting – another job that he has taken on as well as all the other things he has to do.  They’re not necessarily considering his role as a parent, and in some cases are almost diminishing it – “Oh, isn’t that sweet?  He’s babysitting!”.

I have absolutely zero issues with any parent or carer being complimented on their parenting, their children or anything related to either.  In fact, I think it’s essential that we do it – parenting (particularly when you’re the primary parent) can be hard, lonely and sometimes monotonous work.  Having someone tell you you’re doing a good job is such a lovely thing. 

One good thing that COVID has done has left so many more parents and carers working from home, and nowadays there are almost as many men as women at school pick up.  It’s been interesting to hear comments from the fathers who’ve found themselves working from home – so many of the dads that I know have negotiated working from home at least part-time post-COVID because they realized how much it helps everyday family life, and how much they enjoy having a more active role in it. 

My husband is one of these – 18 months ago, he worked full-time in the city, leaving home by 6.30am to catch the train, getting home around 5pm.  He’d always have breakfast with our son (he’s an early riser), but it wasn’t uncommon for him to leave for work before our daughters were awake.  He didn’t get home until after the majority of after-school activities were done, and usually his evening time with the kids involved having dinner and reading a story or two.  There wasn’t a lot of time for much else.

During COVID, he worked from home full-time; once his office re-opened, he could choose up to 50% work from home, with relatively flexible choice about how that was structured.  My husband now works from home half the time, three days one week, two days the next.  It means that he can start work early, yet still see the girls before school (he’ll have a coffee with them while they’re eating breakfast).  If one of the kids is sick and I have to work, he can generally reorganize his days to stay at home with them.  He’ll still work, mind you, but his office door is always open to whoever’s home sick.  On the days that he’s working from home, I can leave a kid or two with him while I take another one (or two) to activities.  A couple of weeks ago, I had to take one of the kids to an enrolment interview, and there was no way I could be home in time to get the other two to school, but he was home, so he could do school drop off.  And every fortnight, when he’s home on Friday and the kids are at school, he and I go out for lunch.  Together.  Where we can talk (or sit and enjoy the silence) and just hang out. 

Who knows – maybe a post-COVID world will have more fathers being more visible in their children’s day-to-day lives; at school drop off, taking them to the dentist, doing the grocery shopping with a toddler.  Maybe that’ll make the notion of a father with his kids no more or less remarkable than a mother with hers.  Either way, when the chance presents itself, always be sure to pass on a compliment to whichever parent you see.  No matter which parent it is, they’ll appreciate it.