When I see a yellow car . . . and other things that I do now that I have children

When I see a yellow car, I say, “Spotto!” even if there’s no one else around to play the game.


When we go past a McDonalds, someone in the car must point at the Golden Arches and say, “Big M for me!”, with everyone else in the car then following suit.


When I am enjoying something (be it food, a tv show, good behaviour from said children), it requires two thumbs up as well as the declaration, “Two thumbs up for good!”


When the answer to the question, “What are you doing?” is, “Nothing!”, or, more frighteningly, “None of your business!”, I must immediately look for the child/children who answered me.  When the answer is silence, find them even quicker.  And be prepared to clean up a mess.


When the children assure you that their rooms are tidy, ask them, “Will I think it’s tidy?” If they still say it’s tidy, ask them, “Is it tidy enough that if I sweep the floor I can throw all the swept things away?”  All things of value (to them) will then be tidied up (or at least hidden away).


When I have my hand on the handle of a pram or a shopping trolley, I will rock it gently back and forth while standing still.  There doesn’t need to be a child in the pram or trolley.  I’ll just rock it empty.


Similarly, when you’re holding something baby-like (a doll, a teddy, someone’s cat), there is a need to bounce or rock gently, patting the baby-like thing on its bottom, and potentially shushing it.  For extra points, your friends won’t even comment upon this, because they’ll just accept it as normal behaviour.


When watching TV, I know the names and voices of all the characters on my children’s favourite shows, plus the general backstory of whatever it is they’re watching.  I will not know what is going on in most grown up shows.


When someone complains about something, my standard response is, “You get what you get and you don’t get upset,” even if I’m talking to an adult.  I’m also quite likely to suggest to a loud grown-up that they “use their inside voice,” rather than asking them to be quiet.


I am more likely to find out gossip from my children than my friends.  My children’s gossip will contain at least one nugget of truth.  My job is to work out which part(s) are real.  Some days, this is a real challenge.


And finally, when you ask your children, “Are you ready to go?” and they all say, “Yes,” don’t ever believe them.  As soon as you say, “Let’s go!” someone will suddenly realise that she needs to change her shoes because the ones she’s been wearing for the last hour apparently pinch her feet, someone else will need to go to the toilet (for the third time in twenty minutes) and a third someone will wipe their dirty hands and/or face on your clean clothes, just to make it fun.